An international jet-setting DJ sits alone in an airport eating a reasonably priced and well seasoned burger, checking his twitter mentions between bites using the free and speedy wifi. There is no one else around apart from an attractive young waitress who occasionally brings him a frosty bottle of locally brewed pale ale. He is surrounded by power outlets.
This has never happened. Our team have constructed this scenario by reverse engineering the reams of DJ airport tweets we receive every day. Becuase if there’s one thing we’ve learned in the past few months over at DJs Complaining Worldwide HQ, it’s that DJs do not like airports. They don’t like having to wake up before noon to get to the airport, they don’t like the traffic on the way to the airport, they question the architectural integrity of the airport when they get to the airport, they don’t like having to remove their Watanabe belt in the security queue at the airport, they don’t like having to explain what their midi-controller does to airport security staff, they don’t like having to pay over the odds for a substandard burger made with frozen sodding bread in the airport, but most of all they don’t like having to share floor space with people who actually seem to be enjoying the fucking airport.
Airports are not a place of fun for DJs. They are a place for nursing hangovers and solitary examination of self, and the sugar-freakout kids running around spilling slush puppy on your trainers and screaming about which jelly bean shop they’re going to next only exacerbate matters. DJs professional lives are spent in large, loud rooms filled with strangers, and sometimes they just want a bit of peace. They’d go to the multi-faith prayer room, only you’re not allowed to use your phone in there.
Some might say that DJs should get a grip. Some might say that just because some breaks festival in the Benelux is paying for your plane ticket don’t mean you can swan about Stansted like you own the fucking place. Some might say that if you can’t just spend your airport time half-heartedly perusing the perfume section like the rest of us then you certainly shouldn’t be airing your grievances on social media. Some might say. We’re not saying that that’s what we’d say.
Originally published in Mixmag, July 2013.